|
Bio |
|
"I know you are, but what am I?" *********************************************** |
|
|
--Pee-Wee Herman, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure |
|
|
| A SPECIAL GUEST BIO by Peter (26-FEB-2003) | |
Kevin was born, and lived for a long time before he had spiritual enlightenment. He's a fascinating person. For example, did you know that he likes comic books, or that his parents are both dead, or he lives in Melrose? See what I mean, it's all fascinating stuff. Kevin dated a bunch of people in his adult life. First there was one guy, then some other guys. He learns more about himself after each relationship, and I respect that. As I stated earlier, Kevin lives in Melrose. He has two pets, the wonderful Kira Nerys and some other thing that craps on the carpet. I keep telling him, put it down, it's a nuisance, but Kevin's far too kind and loving for that, and always has an excuse, like "It's not my cat, I'm only babysitting" or some such. Kevin's apartment is all in warm colors that soothe the mind and stuff. And he used to have a beautiful carpet with lovely patterns, but now the only patterns that can be discerned are made out of crap. Kevin loves movies. I love movies too, but the kind of movies I love Kevin's cat wouldn't even deem worthy enough to crap on. Maybe if I left them on the carpet. Oh, wait, the carpet's gone, I forgot. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the movies. He likes the classy movies, the ones that get the gold statues of the guy with the shovel. Why is he always holding a shovel? Does he know about the carpet? Kevin loves movies so much, he hosts movie nights. He's been doing this for years. Kevin's often imitated, but never duplicated, movie nights are enjoyable for many who attend. And attendance is always high at these movie nights, and I'm sure that would be true even if he didn't serve free food and alcohol. Movie nights always start with a cartoon that compliments the theme of the movie to be shown. I like cartoons. Although I'm tired of Sylvester's lisp. What is it with people and their gay stereotypes? Don't even get me going on that. And you know what? That crap-machine looks a lot like Sylvester. I'm starting to see a pattern, and I don't mean of crap in the rug. I met Kevin years ago when I was younger and more innocent. Well, younger anyway. He was in a relationship with one of those guys I mentioned. We've been through a lot together. Whenever I need a friend, he's always there for me. Someday, I'll have to consider doing the same for him, but I'm always so busy with the holidays and then summer and then the holidays again. You know how it is. So, in summary, Kevin's interesting because he dated guys and has two cats, one spectacular and one craptacular. He lives in Melrose and used to have a carpet. Let's see, what else did I write. Oh, yeah, he's like a movie buff guy. Oh, and finally: I'm very very glad to have him as a friend.
So much has happened in Kevin's life that I thought I would add an addendum to his Biography. Here it is: I went to a birthday party for Kevin some time ago, I think it was in Spring or Fall or something. I wore a blue sweater that went very well with my eyes. My khakis complimented my eyes, which was lucky, because they then complimented my sweater too. It's important to look good at all times but especially on special occasions like this party thing he had. There were a lot of people there, and I stood next to the ones that I thought would go with my blue shirt and eyes for photographs. I think I did a good job. I even met some of the people there too. They had all kinds of names, and some were easier to remember than others, though I can't recall any. Here's a helpful hint: when you're pretending to listen to someone, say things like "Hmmm," and "Ahhh," and such. Then, turn to the person on the other side and say "Do you agree?" That way, you don't have to listen to either. Not only is it fun, but it saves you the trouble of having to listen to the conversation yourself. Oh, and it's also great to see the other person's reaction when they're on the spot. Just be careful not to do it right away though. That's happened to me a bunch of times. Like, when someone says "Hi, my name's Bob," you shouldn't turn to the person on the other side and say "Do you agree?" because it makes people look at you like you aren't listening, and you don't want them to think THAT. I know, it seems like a lot of work, but you'd be surprised at how you get labeled "rude" or "stupid" just because you walk away from someone talking about something you don't even care about. You'd think they'd realize that using big words just confuses people. Plus, it's pretentious (which is like a combination of smart and mean). The party was held at a restaurant, and it was on the second floor. There were huge picture windows that had a view of the water during the day. We were there after dark though, so all I could see was my own reflection which was, obviously, fine. There was a bar and cake and a cute waiter. I was disappointed when he didn't take his shirt off. I mean, what's the big deal, I had money. Plus waiters are basically whores, only instead of delivering sex, they deliver food. It shouldn't be a big deal to switch from one vice to another, right? Well, Mr. Hoity-Toity Waiter Guy seems to think better. I said, "Oh, PLEASE, it's not like you're a CATERER." At some point during the night Kevin spoke for a while in the microphone about himself. He can be a bit self-centered that way. And, besides, it was good that he did that, because imagine my, and everyone else's, surprise to find out that it was Kevin's birthday. And more importantly, he gave out prizes. I've loved the idea of contests and prizes ever since reading Charlotte's Web. I have to admit though, it's always annoyed me that e.b. white never uses capitals in his name, and I REALLY didn't like his sequel: Animal Farm. It was confusing and also downright mean. Sequels are never as good as the originals, and that is a great example. So, there we were, all gathered at this big party, and people were dancing, and it was fun. Kevin came around and reminded us that it was his birthday, which was helpful. I guess it was someone else's birthday too, Bon Bon Jovial. Or was it Jon Bon Bowie? I'd just assumed it was a porn star. I asked several women if they were porn stars, and you can't imagine the peculiar looks they all gave me. Their heads swung around like they were Blair Warner from The Exorcist. What's the big deal, everyone looks at porn. It's just one of those dirty things that all people do, even nice clean people. It's like flossing. Sure, when you think about it, it's gross, but does that stop you? No. I guess I should add porn to my list of things not to talk about at parties, cause it just makes people want to talk to you more. Come to think of it, flossing is already on that list. Life is funny. In summary, Kevin's lived for a long time now, and continues to do so. I think I'll have a party when I turn older. Only, I think I'll play the music really loud so that people can't talk. That way, I think I'll have a really fun time.
Kevin has been going through many changes in his life. Probably most prominent is he’s all about NOT being a material person. I know, I thought it meant he was going to walk around naked to, but no, it’s something different. For some reason, when a person says that, they’re talking about owning lots of things, not material at all. No cloth. No fabric. Am I the only one that doesn’t see any sense to that? I’m almost afraid to go out shopping with him now, for fear that he’ll point to an item in the store and declare, pompously, “That’s a material!” I was looking at this cool light beam string that they offered in that catalog called Things you Never Knew Existed. They sell all kinds of things that you probably could have figured out existed if you had seen the catalog before, but that’s not the point. Anyway, I can just imagine him putting the material label on that one. I bought it anyway. I mean, there’s no way you can live without owning things. Well, wait, you can borrow things, and steal things, and they aren’t really yours, but you know what I mean. Oh, I know. Make that having things. Anyway, if you didn’t have anything, and you weren’t a material person, then you’d just be a bunch of floating thoughts, and how fun is that? Anyway, this isn’t a piece on dismembered thoughts (what philosophers call exostenchalism. Don’t worry, it sounds like a gym workout to me too. It comes from that Latin word exit, meaning outside, and stench, meaning smell. I took Latin in high school. I also remember the phrase E Plural Bus Unum, which means many become one. A bus can hold many people but it’s still only one bus: many become one. I remember that because that was the famous line in Wrath of Khan when Spock dies-hope I didn’t ruin it for anyone-and he says it. I don’t think he says it in Latin though). Speaking of Star Trek, it was cancelled. I guess they ran out of stuff to write about. Don’t worry though, they just cancelled the new show. The old ones will still be around. They probably started feeling bad about making them one when Star Trek: TOS (that stands for: The Old Series) cast members started dying. The Doctor died. He was ancient though. He was even around for Next Generation, and that took place way in the future. Scotty died. He was the engineer. I read in the Enquirer that he died from eating a ham sandwich while reading about how Mama Cass died, but that can’t be true. Nobody eats ham sandwiches anymore. Where was I? Oh, yeah, so Kevin’s on this kick about getting rid of things. He’s all “Hey, that’s clutter!” and “Clutter is bad” and so forth. He talks about Clutter so much I’m thinking of getting him one of those Irish Clutter rings. You know, the ones with the heart being ripped in half with two hands while it’s being crushed under a crown? It’s symbolic or something. And that’s just part of some of the fascinating things that have been going on with Kevin lately. For example, did you know that he’s been going back to school to study something? Or that he’s been dating a guy in New York for a while now? Me either, but I just found out it’s true. I went with him to New York once last year. I had a great time, and I saw all these great buildings and Knickerbocker plaza where they keep NBC. I started searching the delis nearby to see if I could get a picture of someone famous eating a sauerkraut hot dog or whatever it is that famous people eat, but no such luck. I also rode the subway. The subway platforms in New York are covered with blankets. On the blankets, they have tons of videos. I’m sure you can guess what happened next. “Look at all this clutter!” Kevin shouted. He reminded me of one of those people from that famous movie where the guy yells “Witch!” and points an accusing fingers at people, then makes them wear scarlet clothes, and calls them Scarletans, which are whores. Arthur Miller wrote the comic book that it was based on. Interesting bit of trivia about him: He took turns with Joe Namath being married to Marilyn Monroe. I think it was Miller’s turn when she died. Let’s see, what else can I tell you about Kevin? Oh, I know. He’s always out, meeting people, doing things. I think they synthesize Paxil using his blood in a lab somewhere. I’m too polite to mention that to him, just in case it’s true. He’s always moving moving moving! He needs to slow down. Even when he’s relaxing at home, he’s not really relaxing. He’s all “I need to catch up on things I taped 2 years ago” and “I need to Ebay all my possessions” and “That waste bucket is filled with clutter”. See what I mean? Anyway, that’s what’s new with Kevin. Hopefully now you have some insights into Kevin that you didn’t have before. And, reported by me, his best friend! |
|
My name is Kevin [last name removed for security purposes], I am 40-some-odd years old and live north of Boston, Massachusetts in the US of A. Instead of sports, as a kid I spent a lot of time reading comic books, writing stories and daydreaming. The story I used to tell about myself was that I was a typical geek: straight A student, got along better with adults than my peers, under-developed social skills, TV addict, etc. But I've always had an insatiable curiosity about things and was always asking "why?" and "how come?" I was the youngest of six kids with a six-year gap between me and my next oldest sibling. So I was a bit spoiled as well. I used to be ashamed of some of these facts, but now I just regard them as the facts of where I came from and how they influenced me as being the person I am today. More to come..... |
|
| |
|
